Relationships are a fickle thing. There is a unique and delicate balance between two personalities that holds into account all of the life experience of two people and coming under one heading to share the culmination of those thoughts, beliefs, and dreams.
Among all of the things I have experienced in life and the places and people that I have met, one of them was the greatest adventure of my life to have walked for 12 years and been married for 10 of them to the person that I loved deeper than anything. Now that I have managed to come to a place where my own actions and mistakes have torn that asunder, I think back and I am able to assess where the damage has happened and become a better person. While it may seem perfectly backward that someone who is amid a divorce give relationship advice, I can assure you that this is written from the same place that anyone learns - mistakes. I've made about every mistake and screwed up in almost every way. The benefit to you, reader, is that you can read the words here and take to heart that I have personally experienced the devastation of learning these lessons - whether self inflicted or otherwise.
So without any further adieu, here is my take on what I know about successful relationships and what I believe is the intrinsic qualities that are required to sustain them for longer periods of time - take it or leave it.
HAVE CLEAR EXPECTATIONS AND CHOOSE GOOD
HAVE CLEAR EXPECTATIONS AND CHOOSE GOOD
Once you tie the knot if you are the husband you are coming home to a well cooked meal, a woman who wants to take care of your every need, a nice home that is warm and cozy, and the 2.5 kids and perfect dog that never pees on the carpet. If you're the wife it was likely sold to you that you will have this guy that wants to come home with flowers for you every day at about 5pm, sweep you off of your feet, dance with you every day, take over all of the responsibilities with the kids and the chores, and completely rescue you from all of the toils of your day.
Those ideals that you were sold when you were a kid aren't what reality looks like. Sure there are days like that, and they are fantastic. Additionally there are women who want to be in the work place, who value their career, don't want kids, or maybe have other value systems than being a man's servant. Additionally there are men who want to do nothing more than take care of a home and make sure that everything on that front is taken care of. More often than not, both sides are somewhere between these two lands where one person wants a little of both and so does the other.
Be realistic. A lot of life is going to be you expecting to get one thing and getting another. One of the most valuable skills as a couple is the ability to see life for what it is. There is a verse in the bible that I really enjoy. It says, "He can turn all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose." Additionally there is a less religious text from Alan Watts where he is recounting an old Chinese story of the farmer and the horse. Instead of me putting that all in writing, I'll give you a link here . When I was a kid in a boys home a counselor named Cory told me a story and it stuck with me. There is a shortened version of the story I was told HERE.
Ultimately the idea behind all of these texts is this: No event that happens in life is either good or bad on its own. You decide whether it is good or bad based on your own interaction with the event. If you choose for it to be good it will be. If you choose for it to be bad it will be. Nobody can say for certain at a given moment that something is good or bad because you never know the consequences. Be clear of your expectations and when life comes up short of the expectations - consider the good that can come from it. Consider all of the great outcomes that have potential for being and choose to walk along that road. Choose to do the things that build life - the power is in your hands. When they go awry - choose good anyway. Uncomfortable is not bad - it's uncomfortable.
REMAIN UNITED
When people first embark in a relationship there is this sense of unity. The two of you are hopelessly intertwined and you simply cannot imagine disagreeing on anything. Then it happens. You fight. Whether you fight fair or take cheap shots - you fight. There is all kinds of study into the way that couples fight and what is considered a healthy and unhealthy way of going about those things.
Over the last ten years I can say that I have had my share of the very tense fights and the very lazy fights. One of the greatest things that I have learned in this process is really simple. Love is knowing how to win a fight but choosing peace instead. Having the right answer at the wrong moment is still the wrong answer. Having the answer to the problem between the two of you when what it needs is time is still the wrong answer. You may have the right answer. You may even think that you know exactly what he or she needs to do and it will frustrate the life out of you to not be charging them to complete those things.
Love isn't exerting your own authority to make sure they do what you think is best. Love isn't even making sure that they are as comfortable as possible. Love is knowing how to win a fight but choosing peace. Love is seeing the potential someone has and inspiring them - INSPIRING NOT DEMANDING OR CONVINCING THEM - to do those things. When that fails, usually a fight ensues and even in those moments it is important to remember this one basic idea.
At the end of the day, you are still one unit. You agreed that you are team "you and them" and that's what you still are. They aren't the enemy. They aren't the opposite side of the fence telling you something opposite of what you want to hear just to see you burn with anger. You are still united. You are still team "Us" and that means more than whatever the argument at hand is. Sometimes having the right answer at the wrong time is wrong, and the better answer is to remember that you are united and that you are still on the same team. Never lose sight of whose team you are on. I lost sight of that several times and I can assure you that the only thing that results is anger and a wedge being driven into the chasm that you allow between you. Do not let ANYONE or ANYTHING steal your unity. It was afforded and gifted to you - guard and protect it.
TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF AND REFUEL
Over the last ten years I can say that I have had my share of the very tense fights and the very lazy fights. One of the greatest things that I have learned in this process is really simple. Love is knowing how to win a fight but choosing peace instead. Having the right answer at the wrong moment is still the wrong answer. Having the answer to the problem between the two of you when what it needs is time is still the wrong answer. You may have the right answer. You may even think that you know exactly what he or she needs to do and it will frustrate the life out of you to not be charging them to complete those things.
Love isn't exerting your own authority to make sure they do what you think is best. Love isn't even making sure that they are as comfortable as possible. Love is knowing how to win a fight but choosing peace. Love is seeing the potential someone has and inspiring them - INSPIRING NOT DEMANDING OR CONVINCING THEM - to do those things. When that fails, usually a fight ensues and even in those moments it is important to remember this one basic idea.
At the end of the day, you are still one unit. You agreed that you are team "you and them" and that's what you still are. They aren't the enemy. They aren't the opposite side of the fence telling you something opposite of what you want to hear just to see you burn with anger. You are still united. You are still team "Us" and that means more than whatever the argument at hand is. Sometimes having the right answer at the wrong time is wrong, and the better answer is to remember that you are united and that you are still on the same team. Never lose sight of whose team you are on. I lost sight of that several times and I can assure you that the only thing that results is anger and a wedge being driven into the chasm that you allow between you. Do not let ANYONE or ANYTHING steal your unity. It was afforded and gifted to you - guard and protect it.
TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF AND REFUEL
A glass can only spill what it contains. The beginnings of relationships always start off enigmatic and exciting for this reason. You are both coming in with glasses full and you are emptying the contents to the other person and there is a thrill when you have things in your glasses that match and when you can celebrate the differences. You are enthralled with their unique flavors in their glass and they are consumed by the sheer volume of contents in yours.
The part that people forget about is this - as you empty your own glass you have less and less to offer into the relationship. You are depleting your own resources and the ability to be able to inject life into the relationship. You are instead spending every waking moment with this person and ultimately even if both of you are pouring all your contents into this new glass called the "relationship" - once the both of you are empty you have nothing to pour back into that relationship cup and now both of you (if not those 2.5 kids also) are now consuming from that cup and it drains very very quickly.
The colloquialism is "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and it's true. Take some time for yourself to get away from this person. The world isn't collapsing around you when they aren't there. You aren't going around to find someone else to pour your glass contents into. You are going to the things that had once filled your glass and going to the resources that fill you back up. This is NECESSARY for the health of the relationship. If you aren't filling yourself you eventually become an empty vessel and despite your every effort your actions will not serve to fill the relationship.
The colloquialism is "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and it's true. Take some time for yourself to get away from this person. The world isn't collapsing around you when they aren't there. You aren't going around to find someone else to pour your glass contents into. You are going to the things that had once filled your glass and going to the resources that fill you back up. This is NECESSARY for the health of the relationship. If you aren't filling yourself you eventually become an empty vessel and despite your every effort your actions will not serve to fill the relationship.
For the last several years of my marriage this was my case. I had isolated myself from my friends (even to her protest). I stopped doing many of the things that I liked to do and was no longer doing things that edified and filled my own glass. I often wondered to myself if I was merely living to be a financial means for my family and a stopgap between them and unfortunate circumstances. I love my children to death and would stand in front of a train or bullets to shield them. Ultimately that isn't enough though and it's not really what they need anyway. What I needed to do was to recharge my own batteries, do the things that built me up as a person and made me shine and become interesting. I let myself become dull and I lost that shine that I once had to the person who chose life with me - and despite all of any overt actions that I took this alone would have been enough for her to not want to invest into me any longer and had begun to pursue life on her own, even if still married - though divorce is the ultimate road chosen.
A glass can only spill what it contains. If you fill yourself with poor things you will pour poor things on others. If you fill yourself with good tings you will pour good things on others. If you never fill yourself with anything you will never have anything to give to someone else. Fill yourself with the best of what makes you the best. Your relationship and your family not only deserve it, but you do.
A glass can only spill what it contains. If you fill yourself with poor things you will pour poor things on others. If you fill yourself with good tings you will pour good things on others. If you never fill yourself with anything you will never have anything to give to someone else. Fill yourself with the best of what makes you the best. Your relationship and your family not only deserve it, but you do.
LEARN TO COMMUNICATE UNSELFISHLY
There are many books that talk about communicating with one another. It's no secret that communication with someone in a relationship is paramount to the level of success that it will have. There cannot be lines of division between you (see my point on unity) and poor communication will drive that wedge between the two of you. This doesn't just mean the type of communication that works best for that person, but it means a deeper level of communication.
On the one hand you have the style of communication that your partner prefers. There is a test called the 5 LOVE LANGUAGES test. This test isn't of course definitive, but it does give a great deal of insight as to the way that your partner in unity communicates love. Additionally, I am a very big fan of the Meyers-Briggs testing. Keep in mind that these both are simply tools with helping you understand the motivations of yourself and of your significant other. In order to be able to communicate effectively you need to understand how you communicate and how that is represented.
The trick here is NOT to get the other person to cater to your style of communicating. It's actually the opposite. Love is not self seeking. Instead your pursuit then should be to understand your partner's way of communicating and exercise to your best ability the way that they prefer to receive love and the way that they prefer to communicate. If both of you pursue this end and put your partner's needs in front of your own - if BOTH OF YOU do this - there is an equilibrium that is reached because both of you become selfless and you will feel that love that the other person has for you. That is not to say that it is easy - it is not. It's uncomfortable at times and very challenging at others. Love pursues those ends anyway.
To the other degree of communication, it has to do with the depth of it. Your partner should be someone that you can share your grittiest and darkest secrets with. Your embarrassingly gross fantasies and your most vulnerable insecurities are not off the table. One of the things I learned with my marriage is that I did not share my deepest insecurities and they came around to haunt me at every chance they could. I didn't share the deepest darkest grittiest parts of my heart and I should have before I allowed them to eat me alive. The only thing that not communicating that depth of trust does is leave room for insecurity and division - and again unity is a cornerstone to the relationship.
ROMANCE THEM TO DEATH
As much as I can hear every woman screaming "YES!" to this - hear me. This is not just the man's job. Romance is an exchange between two people that shows the deep passion and value that you have for that person. It is predicated in that love language that you traditionally prefer and is reciprocal.
When you romance someone you are stoking the flame that exists between the two of you. Life has this natural way of making people feel like they are only mediocre or less than that. People are constantly in this competition to be the best and resort to a default of pushing others lower to try and get to that place, but ultimately "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind."
That person that you cherish and love so deeply in your relationship, whether they mention it or not, is being persecuted and told they are less than enough from just about every avenue in their life. We are all in a constant barrage of people showing off only their best moments and condescending those who do not meet a prescribed "level" of greatness. Your person NEEDS to be lifted up. They NEED to be romanced.
Everyone needs to feel special. Not everyone feels special from the same things, but everyone has that need. If you aren't spending time to do the things that build up your other person there are only two results. Either they are not ever being built up and you are driving them and your relationship into the ground or someone else is building them up and it is driving a wedge between the two of you.
Romance doesn't always mean dressing to the nines. It can be a flower that made you think of her. It can be helping him tie his tie in the morning and giving him a kiss. It can be doing the dishes when she didn't expect it. It can be taking her out to dinner and surprising her with an evening out. It can be him coming home to that surprise situation that I mentioned was rare at the top of this blog. Romance is whatever your partner makes of it and that's why that communication is key - but you can't stop there. You NEED to value them and show them in ways that they understand that you do. Everyone needs romance.
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Those are my top ideas on what make relationships function. Again, as a disclaimer, my ten-year marriage is coming to an end and I am not speaking these things as a purveyor of perfection. Rather, quite the opposite. I've fallen short on every single point you can imagine in this post and I am telling you from the rough and raw experience that these are all key mistakes.
Many people in my life have told me that I am very talented or very intelligent. I beg to differ, however I will say one thing. If I have ANY talent in life, it is to observe my mistakes, learn from them, and become better from them. You don't have to believe these things and many of you may not know me enough to know I'm speaking honestly in that respect, but I'd argue I only know more because I make more mistakes.
Many people in my life have told me that I am very talented or very intelligent. I beg to differ, however I will say one thing. If I have ANY talent in life, it is to observe my mistakes, learn from them, and become better from them. You don't have to believe these things and many of you may not know me enough to know I'm speaking honestly in that respect, but I'd argue I only know more because I make more mistakes.
One of the things I can say regarding these categories is that they will not automatically happen for you. Even if you commit these to memory they will not happen. Knowing something and doing something are not the same. You should be taking out a pen and paper and writing out your plan to accomplish these things. If not then you should be putting these things into your calendar on your phone or planner and ensuring that it's not up to chance that you remember to do them. You should be actively making a plan to make things happen in your life the way that you want them to.
If the person you are in unity with is worth it then you will have an agenda. You will have a list of the oddities that nobody can remember they are interested in. You will have a revolving list of things they have offhandedly mentioned they would like as a gift. You will have an agenda for how to take care of them. Repetition is the mother of success and if you aren't planning these things in repetition and presenting them into your scheduled routine they WILL fall by the wayside. I know because I didn't. I am actively learning from my mistakes and doing the things that make things fruitful. Be better too.
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