Social Interactions in Early Development
Children behave very openly in a social environment largely due to the fact that they don't have any perception yet on how their desires and actions affect others emotionally. They either like something or they don't. It's actually so simplistic that it's almost perfect were it not for us meddling adults telling them that they need to "play nice." Essentially children operate on the "I want what I want and I want it now"" type mentality. You will notice the excessive use of the term "I" because at that age self is the most prominent discovery.
The good thing about this is that when you are so young, there is no such thing as popularity. It's a simple idea of people either like you or don't like you. There aren't cliques formed based on the advantages of their assimilation. It's as simple as, "I don't like you so I'm not playing with you." Since children all have their own personality types whether they are the shy person or the social athlete it serves that many of those groups mingle simply due to the innate desire for children to know more of the world. Thus you have the artistic kids playing with the athletic ones and everyone gets along in their own way.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY KID (OR MYSELF) AT THIS STAGE?
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY KID (OR MYSELF) AT THIS STAGE?
In this stage there isn't much you can do but allow your child to experience more of the world. He/She needs to experience the wide variety of cultures and learn to respect everyone's culture. Because children operate like honest adults, they would tell you they like people who like them. If your kid is someone who is excited to learn about other people, they will have friends. If they are happy to play with anyone, they will have friends. Simple enough
Social Interactions in Early Adolescence
Once you have broken the seal and your child now has a good grasp on the idea that what they do can cause others to feel good/bad/etc. they are entering the early adolescence stage. The good part? You probably aren't to the point where hormones are influencing anything. The bad part? A lot of this stage is really in the hands of the parents and adult figures. Children who have reached this stage are no longer content with learning about the simple world in their immediate home, they are now yearning to explore and learn more about what lies beyond those doors. They are desiring friendships that move past conventional school friendships and have reached a higher sophistication level.
Children in this level of maturity often base their likes and dislikes off of what happens outside of the regular everyday activities. For instance, if you have raised thus far a quiet child they will probably have begin assimilating themselves with other quiet children or kept to themselves. If you raised an athletic one they are probably the kind who want to play all day long and associate with those kinds of children. Children in this stage operate mostly withing the confines of what their own interests are. If someone else at school likes the same activity, it's a win.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY KID (OR MYSELF) AT THIS STAGE?
This is a stage where you need to understand and take more time to know what your child is interested in. Let them tell you more about what they like to do, who the kids are at school who like to do the same things, and find out whether they are a "loner" or someone who tries to interact. One of the roles of the parents in this stage is to assist their children to socially adapting. In my personal experience, I was not allowed much social interaction outside of school, while the other children at this stage were doing sleepovers and the other things kids do then. Problem? Without those extra activities you are placed outside the circle. I didn't attend birthday parties that everyone else was invited to. I didn't throw any parties and wasn't allowed to have people over. As a parent, this is the stage where if your kid isn't getting invited to do things, then you throw the party yourself and let your kid invite the friends they want. Remember, everyone likes to be invited to a party, and if your child is the one doing the inviting, then other kids will like them as a bi-product.
Social Interactions in Adolescence
Once your child hits puberty and starts experiencing hormones you are throwing a wrench in the program. Here's the good news. If your kid has been socially active already there's a good chance that even if their "best friend" changes daily they will have people to hang out with. With hormones engaged it's really unpredictable as to what will happen with your children. Many times the social strata that become important have to do with physical development and perceived maturity.
One of the biggest things teens think of as a mature topic is sex. I'm not a believer in having your kid engage in sexual activity. I do however think that because the topic of romance, which now enters the mind of your child, is a much more broad spectrum you now have the opportunity to help your child ease into some more mature level thinking and still preserve their innocence. Children up to this point haven't had any direction in regard to what they are doing romantically, and they shouldn't. One of the biggest things teens desire at this point is freedom.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY KID (OR MYSELF) AT THIS STAGE?
Teens experiencing hormones are just breaking the cusp of maturity and have a very surface level understanding of romance and the implications of deeper levels of romance. They are beginning to understand the concepts of freedom in a controlled environment relatively free of consequence. Sheltering your child at this point is actually counter-intuitive to what you have raised them like your whole life. If you have consistently sheltered them from everything, they may easily want to break from those chains. If you suddenly start trying to shelter them, it becomes more enticing (I.E. I only want the cookies because I was told I cannot have them). At this stage you need to help your children be socially active and give them more leash to work with. Having parties at your place is a good idea but set some boundaries. Remember, wherever you set the line, they will step over. If you say "No sex" they will tiptoe the line of sex. If you say "No spin the bottle" you will tiptoe that line. More often parents draw the line at the point of no return rather than drawing the line further in realizing that their children will step over regardless. If you are thinking, "Oh my kid would never do that" you are wrong. Your kid does that. The most important thing at this point is your teen's perception of freedom and their understanding of where you draw the line. Your line might be "home by 10pm" and you should expect 10:30-11:00pm then. Your line might be "you cannot wear (insert risque clothing item)" and you should expect them to get as close to that as possible or simply wear it when you aren't around. Some kids are very honest and never go beyond the line, but most do. Set the lines in a place that you are actually comfortable with the line being slightly crossed, and then stick to your guns on the line.
If you set a line really far inside, you should realize that you also then need to extend more freedom. There is a balance in the minds of teenagers where they understand freedom as a reflection of their actions. If they are obedient with your really narrow guidelines have they not earned the right to more freedom given that they remain inside those parameters?
NOTES:
You will notice that in all of these steps the concept of parental involvement is implied. You should know who your kid's best friends are. You should know the boy/girl that your child thinks is cute. You should know how many friends they have on Facebook, who the "popular" kids are, what sports they are interested in, what subjects they like in school, where people are going to hang out on the weekends, and anything else that is high up on the ladder of importance for your kid. As a pre-teen and teen my parents were more of the "Jesus take the wheel" style parents instead of the "Jesus put me in charge of you" type parents. There were no lines drawn until after a line was crossed, which makes it more confusing as to what is okay and what is not. They had no idea what my social interactions were like, and as a result were unable to help.
If your child is unpopular by choice because of their personality, then popularity will probably not have a big affect on them as they will probably be more independent anyway. If they are unpopular against their will and aren't empowered to change their circumstances you are hurting them twice. They are going to school and feeling alone and withdrawn because they have no way to relate to the rest of the children and then they come home and feel that their parents aren't aligned with them which causes them to feel helpless.
My daughter is only 2 years old, and I know I won't have the perfect kid. I know I make mistakes regularly and that ultimately children will go the way they want. I am speaking from the personal perspective of someone who grew without the option to take my own social life into my hands.
