I was just dropping my wife and daughter off yesterday and as I drove away (not permanently) I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly sad. As I pondered what would happen if I died, I realized that I would never see my beautiful daughter grow into a wonderful woman. I would never see my wife grow old and as much as I get irritated by pop radio, I wouldn't have another person irritating me with those songs.
I realize more and more that death intrinsically doesn't hold any level of fear to me. I'm not afraid of the pain or where my soul goes. I am however afraid of the wakes and ripples that it leaves behind. The scars and the tremors felt at your core resound for life and it's something you never escape.
I had at one point had the notion in my mind that somehow taking the time to create long lasting memories would simply enhance the pain when someone passes. While initially there is some truth to that, and while it may be selfish, I am no longer thinking that way. I am not thinking I will live forever, but I want to squeeze every ounce of love into the moments that I have with my family.
I've never been the kind of person who wants to go the traditional route with anything. I want to live as long as I possibly can and see my grandchildren grow up. I want to be able to view more of the world God made for us and spend time with my wife soaking up all of the beauty there is to be soaked up. I don't have a bucket list because I have a distinct thought that it stops me from living in the moment. I at one point put off other goals because I wanted to achieve one at a time and reach for the closest one. Living life that way means I miss a lot of life.
Jesus calls us to lay down our own lives because there is MORE LIFE in living for what other people want. There is more life in the will of Christ and through changing other people than simply sticking to "the plan" only to find out in the end that the car you bought will be sold when you die. Your dream home will be sold or auctioned too. That collection of whatever it is you collect will be slowly dissected and the most valuable assets will be sold and the rest will be junked. My new bucket list is simple:
BUCKET LIST:
1) Live every moment with the highest amount of love I can pour into it
I am not perfect and I don't expect I will be able to keep this up 100% of the time, but even if I fail at 80% I will be experiencing a lot more of life. In the end if I didn't realize all of my selfish ambitions I got to see something WAY more beautiful. I got to help other people realize their ambitions and watch them come to fruition.
Being old isn't beautiful, but the journey to being old is. Being wise isn't beautiful, but learning from your mistakes is. Having a kid is beautiful, but raising that kid and watching them grow is more beautiful.
That's all, but for the record, when I die here is a small list of things I WOULD like taken care of:
1. I want every last possible amount of my body that can save someone else to be used (wife's discretion)
2. At my funeral I want a bar that serves soda of several kinds but no alcohol - sorry no drunks at the funeral
3. When people walk into my funeral I want party music playing - I'm gonna be partying it up with Jesus
4. I do not want people wearing black to my funeral. Anything but black. Chinese Silk is extra credit.
5. Besides the aforementioned requests, I want the least expensive funeral possible
6. On my tombstone I don't want a quote from anyone. I want my hand print and the words "gimme five" (for added fun you can add the ironic words "too slow" underneath, however that might be too sad for the moment)
7. If you are at my funeral and there have been no embarrassing stories told about me I officially charge you with that responsibility simply for reading this list. If there has been a few - one more doesn't hurt.
8. I don't want speeches about how "I was a good man" or any of that generic stuff. I'm cynical and stubborn. I want people joking and having a pseudo-fun time even though it's sad.
9. When you walk into and out of my funeral I want the ushers to be giving high fives to everyone.
10. If someone gets up to leave the funeral, I want the service to stop and everyone stare at them until they leave, then continue. If they are crying however, this should not happen - that's cruel.
No comments:
Post a Comment